On Work: A Lexicon of Frustration

Back to On Work

From James C. Christensen, Voyage of the Bassett, (New York: Artisan, 1996).

"First querent," [the Learned Custodian of the Answers] said in a voice that sounded as if it had had to travel through marbles.

"How do we change a dwarf back from stone?" asked the professor.

"'Dwarf,'" read the Learned Custodian. "'Being of small stature with enormous capacity for serious occupation.' Subheadings: 'busy dwarves, fat dwarves, happy dwarves, idle dwarves, inebriated dwarves, sad dwarves, thin dwarves, wayward dwarves, worried dwarves.' Hmmm. 'Dwarf sun' . . . there is no subheading for stone dwarves," said the Learned Custodian of the Answers, "therefore, there are no stone dwarves."

"Well, actually, he was turned to stone—"

The Custodian silenced the professor with a look.

"'Stone: building stone, cornerstone, curbstone, paving stone, turnstone,' no, that won't do, it's a bird. 'Stone: common dense minerals, fieldstone, flint, granite, lodestone, marble, shale, slate—'"

"That isn't quite what we—" Again the Custodian silenced the professor with a haughty glance.

"'Stone,'" continued the Learned Custodian, "'See also: rock, boulder, pebble.'" The Learned Custodian of the Answers looked down his nose at Sebastian. "Well, he's hardly a pebble, is he?" The dwarves were all rubbing their temples as if they had all suddenly gotten headaches.

"Perhaps we have worded the question incorrectly," Professor Aisling offered meekly.

The Learned Custodian of the Answers merely looked down on him and waited.

"Medusa was cursed long ago and now turns to stone anyone who looks in her eyes, which is what Sebastian did. So how do we break Medusa's curse?" The professor looked around at his companions and nodded his head. Now they would get somewhere.

"'Medusa,'" read the Learned Custodian of the Answers. "'Greek beauty cursed with the power to turn to stone those who look in her eyes. See also: Perseus—'"

"No, we don't need Perseus," said the professor, becoming less patient. "What about curses?"

"'Curses,'" read the Learned Custodian of the Answers. "'Go boil your head; Go to Hades, or, Go to Hades and stop at all seven levels; May you be struck with boils; May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your bed; May your barley crops fail unto the seventh generation—'"

"No, no, no!" cried the professor, unable to contain himself longer. "That's cursing at. We need curse removal."

The Learned Custodian of the Answers drew himself up to his greatest height. He was the Learned Custodian of the Answers and did not allow trifling. In his haughtiest voice he said, "I have given you answers. Next querent."

Back to On Work