| Like
many professionals in America, I have offered up part of my life to
dysfunctional corporate environments. And like many other people who
care about the quality of their work, in the course of doing so I experienced
a few frustrations. This lexicon, first created in 2000, was intended as a palliative. Needless to say, it wasn't very effective, and I have since made
a separate peace with Mammon.
ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and
file. Decisions tend to fall from the adminisphere without regard of
season. The wisdom of Somerset Maugham is peculiarly apt: "The
rain fell alike upon the just and upon the unjust, and for nothing was
there a why and a wherefore" (Of Human Bondage).
— Thanks to W. Somerset Maugham
BERKELEY
Engineering term for "participative management" or "participative
decision making." A polite way to suggest that someone has an uncertain
grip on reality.
Usage: "Are you from Berkeley?" or "That is so Berkeley."
— Thanks to Robert Laws
BREST'S LAW (uncertain derivation)
It is always worse than your worst predictions.
CATASTROPHE THEORY
As Stan Kelly-Bootle points out, "there are seven distinct types
of catastrophe, one for each day of the week" (Computer Contradictionary).
René Thom identified these types as: fold, cusp, swallow tail,
butterfly, elliptic, hyperbolic, and parabolic. In the universe of project
managers, we find they are: the client, requirements, work breakdown
structure, status meetings, the critical path, Marketing, and Computer
Support.
— Thanks to René Thom and Stan Kelly-Bootle
COOPER'S LAW (adapted from ancient
Germanic wisdom)
You can drag a dead horse to water, but you can't make him drown.
— Thanks to Alan Cooper
CRABWISE PROGRESS
When the only way forward is sideways. (Note: It is uncertain whether
this venerable preference for motion over progress has ever translated
into project success.)
DEAD HORSE (see also, Cooper's Law)
Inert matter at the core of every project. (Usage: "You can beat
a dead horse but you can't make it twitch.")
— Thanks to Marilyn Tahl
DEADLINE
"One of a sequence of vague prophecies."
— Thanks to Stan Kelly-Bootle, Computer Contradictionary
DESIGN TO REQUIREMENTS
Designing to requirements is like walking on water. Nothing to it as
long as they're frozen, a miracle otherwise.
— Anonymous
DUCKHUNTER
A person carefully concealed in the duckblind. Until your project comes
flying over.
Also known as a TURD—you never know they are there until they're
on your shoe.
— Thanks to Marilyn Tahl and Alan Cooper
ENTROPIST
A team member whose presence slows down the progress of the project
by effortlessly increasing disorder. The magnitude of the effect is
exponential in the time spent on the project.
— Thanks to Nick Ragouzis
GOM (from Grand Old Man)
A person (m. or f.) who is so full of answers that no room is left for
questions.
GUILTY FILTER
The tendency of large corporations to erase certain projects from organizational
memory.
—Thanks to George Bricker
HANLON'S RAZOR
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by
stupidity (Rober Heinlein, Empire of Logic). Closely linked
to Olson's Correlative: "Never attribute to thoughtful design that
which can be adequately explained by legacy and tradition."
— Thanks to Ross Olson and Robert Heinlein
LEARNED CUSTODIAN of the ANSWERS
A team member who finds him/herself in sole possession of difficult
knowledge (not inevitably of a technical nature) that is indispensable
for the progress of a project.
This personality served as the original model for online help and other
end user documentation. (See excerpt from Voyage of the Bassett
for the problem-resolution ur-scenario from which all online help has
evolved.)
— Thanks to Lauren Donohue and James C. Christensen (Voyage
of the Bassett).
MANAGER
A person (m.) who thinks that nine pregnant women can make a baby in
a month. (See also Software Engineer.)
— Anonymous
ONE-WAY FEEDBACK
Indispensable management tool, designed to ensure that the ideas of
senior managers are properly heard and understood. Generally deployed
late in the project, when previous experience, planning, and development
have already obviated the . . . uhm . . . suggestion. Kissing cousins
to "Open Door Policy." (Usage: "I don't think you understand.
This is one-way feedback.")
— Thanks to Neff Hudson
PROACTIVE PROBLEM SOLVING
An improvement on Brendan Francis's somewhat mealy-mouthed problem-solving
approach ("the best way to escape from a problem is to solve it").
Inspired by well-established game theory concepts, particularly "Pass
the Donkey" and "Old Maid": The best way to escape from
a problem is to give it to someone else.
PROJECT MANAGER'S CALENDAR
A revolutionary improvement on the work of the ancient Babylonians designed
especially to accommodate client demands. More detail in the Calendar.
— Anonymous
QUINN'S RETORT
The simplest timesaver is lowering your standards.
— Thanks to Christine Quinn
SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to
get screwed and die at the end.
— Anonymous
SECOND LAW OF THERMODENIAL
In any closed mind, the quantity of ignorance remains constant or increases.
—Thanks to Paul J. Gans
SHWERKING
(Etymology: from Old Norse szvirkan, referring to the action
of a crew member who pulls up a plank from the bottom of your ship at
midsea, with the argument that you need a gangplank to conquer Iceland.)
Offering arguments to justify one's resistance to a certain course of
action, even though that resistance is rooted in irrational emotion.
Usage:
* "I was right on target, but then I got shwerked and lost about
half of my day."
* "Shwerkmail"
* "The longer the silence, the bigger the shwerk that follows."—1872,
Ch. Baudelaire
* "Perhaps the shwerk squad have lost their shwerk zest. Or are
summoning shwerkifying salvos for a final shwerk quest."—2000,
N. Ragouzis
Wise Counsel:
Better start bailing.
— Thanks to Charles Baudelaire, Marijke Rijsberman, and Nick Ragouzis
SOFTWARE ENGINEER
A person (m.) who thinks that software projects are like pregnancies—most
likely conceived with the aid of another human being, but only successfully
carried to completion in splendid and undisturbed isolation. (See also
Manager)
STATUS POACHING
The act of using a status meeting for the purpose of self-aggrandizement,
primarily accomplished by duplicating items off the status reports of
others, encroaching on their time in meetings, and understanding their
challenges better than they do. The general objective is to show that
the efforts of the poacher are to the work of the rest of the team as
Wagnerian Opera is to Pop Goes the Weasel.
— Thanks to Vicki Robinson
USABILETTANTE
One who performs user testing in order to confirm his/her own prejudices—and
usually finds that all the evidence stacks up in that direction.
USABILITANCY
Also: usabilitate (against) (vb.); usabilitating (adj.); and usabilettante
(n.)
Militant insistence that usability considerations take precedence over
all others.
— Thanks to Nick Ragouzis
USABILITY BENEFITS (by analogy to
disability benefits)
Compensation for serious harms sustained during site or product use.
Morally indispensable, occasionally necessary for survival, but never
sufficient to restore the victim to his former state.
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